The Tales of Fowl
by love-serenades
Summary: A series of one-shots featuring anyone from our favorite Mud Whelps to our lovably feisty fairies. Chapter 13: Ugh. Men.
1. Of Chilies and Oysters

**Hey guys! I'm back, from an extremely long writer's block. :) So I guess this will just be a collection of little one-shots I randomly think up, with erratic updates (Remember, it all depends on how much work I get at school). So, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl.**

* * *

Holly Short snapped shut a book, tossing it up and down. She shifted her position on her perch on Artemis's desk. He glanced up from his laptop, glaring up at her while she blinked back innocently.

"I must request," he intoned, "for you to refrain from mutilating my books in that fashion." His hand shot out deftly and snatched the book from her grasp. He sniffed peevishly as he placed the book down gently next to his laptop.

Holly sighed, leaning forward. "Well. _I _must request for you to refrain from continuously making out with your computer while I am still here." She reached over and snapped his computer's screen down. Artemis immediately checked for scuff marks. "And, for the record, I was not mutilating your book. This is boring. One can only withstand so much PDA- especially between a Mud Boy and an electronic." She leaned back, crossing her arms with a huff.

Artemis scowled at her. "I was not engaging in any form of 'PDA' with my laptop."

"Bullshit." Holly cocked an eyebrow skeptically.

Artemis sniffed exasperatedly. "Fine! I will put aside my exceedingly important matters for the moment. What do you want to do?" He gingerly placed his laptop into a drawer, where it would be safe from harm.

"Well, I don't know. Talk?"

"Very well. Let us talk." Artemis leaned back in his swivel chair and steepled his fingers, eyebrows raised expectantly.

"You look like one of those evil rich bosses. All you need is a fluffy white cat to stroke and the look would be complete."

The corner of Artemis's mouth. "Evil, perhaps. Rich, definitely. Boss, maybe in the future. Cat- absolutely no chance. But- to dispel such thoughts from your head- perhaps you find this more comfortable." He had crossed his legs and leaned on his right arm, which was propped on one of the arms of the chair. Holly hated to admit it, but she found his position rather... alluring.

She exhaled deeply, closing her eyes. "Never mind. Let's... talk about something else."

"Of course. Whatever makes you comfortable." When Holly opened her eyes, she found Artemis's eyes trained on her, lips tilted in a sultry half-smile, as if he knew what kind of effect he had on her and revelled in it. He cocked his head to the side, parting his lips, as if he was about to say something.

"What is it?" Holly asked tentatively.

"Nothing, really. The thought just occurred to me that a smile is the basic form of seduction that humans use to capture the attention of an individual of the opposite sex, often having desirable results. I suppose that it would have the same effect on fairies?" His tone remained neutral throughout his small lecture, though his blue eyes seemed to penetrate through her soul.

"I- yes, I suppose so." Holly swallowed uncomfortably.

Artemis held her gaze for a moment longer before looking away. Holly sighed in relief. "Hmm..." He hummed casually as he looked around the room for a topic of conversation. "Ah, yes." He nodded as his eyes alighted on the book Holly had been reading. "_Aladdin_. An interesting choice. What spurred you to pick this book to read?"

Holly shrugged nonchalantly, trying to look at anything besides her friend.

Artemis chose not to notice her less than enthusiastic response, choosing instead to plow forward. "Much of this book centers around the genie's grant of three wishes." He looked up calculatingly at his elfin friend who steadfastly avoided his gaze. "Is something wrong?" He tilted his head back in concern.

Holly jolted out of her daze. "What? Oh, no, no, nothing. What were you saying? Three wishes?"

The human looked at her, bemused. "Yes. Three wishes. Exactly so. Now, if you had three wishes to spend however you'd like, how would you spend them?"

Holly blinked. "Well, I wish I had a few spices. Believe it or not, not many spices grow well underground."

"What kind of spices?"

"Chilies." Holly licked her lips unconsciously.

Artemis swallowed hard as he stared at her lips. Funny, he had never really noticed how full they were. Or how soft they looked. "Intriguing," his voice coming out as a squeak. He cleared his throat and looked away in an attempt to regain his composure.

"How so?" Holly blinked, puzzled.

Artemis breathed in deeply, trying not to focus on Holly's long lashes. "Chilies accentuate the body's sensual receptors, making sexual contact more intimate. It is considered a 'sex food.'" He paused, as if to wait for a response. When none seemed to be forthcoming, he shrugged. "So I thought it interesting that you would wish for an intimate food." His words hung between them.

Holly flushed indignantly. "Are you suggesting that I want them to liven up my sex life?"

Artemis's lips quirked up. "I suggested no such thing."

She tried to compose a biting retort, but none would come. Instead she decided to change the subject. "Well, what would you wish for?"

Artemis seemed to genuinely contemplate her question. "I could wish for a countless number of things."

"Go on."

"I suppose it would depend on the weather. Perhaps I'd wish for a book. Or maybe oysters. I _am _rather fond of oysters."

Holly rolled her eyes. "Oysters."

"But of course. They _are _rather delicious, not to mention healthy. I would guess that oysters would go hand in hand with your chiliesOysters are also high in zinc, which increases sperm production, which in turn increases libido. Oysters would help spice up a person's sex life.."

"Yeah, you need the spicing up," Holly smirked.

Artemis raised his eyebrows delicately. "Really now." He leaned forward, grasped her chin in his hand, and pulled her down, pressing his lips firmly down on hers. Holly jerked in surprise, gasping as he released her.

"Not anymore, I don't," Artemis deadpanned. He settled back in his chair, slid out his computer and turned it on, looking for all the world like nothing had just happened.

"I- you- what-" Holly spluttered.

Artemis glanced at his watch. "I do believe that it is time for you to go. The Commander allotted you only a few hours, if I remember correctly."

"But-"

Artemis tossed Holly her helmet. "Off you go. I wouldn't want you to be late because of me." He turned his attention back to his laptop as he began to type furiously.

Holly sat there, slightly shell-shocked, for a few more moments before sliding on her helmet and making her way to the window. She strapped on her wings and was just about to leap out when Artemis's voice stopped her. "Holly."

She turned expectantly. "Yes?"

Artemis was now lounging back in his chair, casually steepling his fingers. "Next time, I'll make sure I have some chilies when you drop by." He blinked, then added as an afterthought, "And maybe some oysters."


	2. In the Back of a Taxicab

**Hello :) Honestly, I felt like this one was a little bit rushed, and it was a little bit on the short side. But you know, whatever goes. xD Enjoy :)**

* * *

"This is absolutely ridiculous," Mulch grumbled as he slathered on his foul-smelling sunscreen. Juliet leaned away from him, crinkling her nose.

"No. _That _is absolutely ridiculous," she scowled, pointing at his sunscreen, "You are in the company of a female. Could you please at least get something that smelled remotely okay?"

They were currently in the backseat of a taxicab, in the bustling metropolis of New York City. Artemis had paired them together for this mission, saying that they worked well as a team, albeit all the snappy insults ("And besides, just pretend you're on a date!")

Juliet crossed her arms. "A date, my ass," she groaned.

Mulch looked up at her. "Well, I'm not quite so happy with this particular arrangement myself, but you don't see me complaining, do you?"

Juliet rolled her eyes, glaring at him. "I quote: _This is absolutely ridiculous._"

Mulch seemed unperturbed. "Besides that." Juliet rolled her eyes again looked out the window.

They rode along in silence for a few minutes, before Mulch started to talk again. "You know, I find it interesting that you are not bowing down at my feet right now, considering my extremely good looks."

"Honestly, I think Voldemort has better looks than you," Juliet snorted.

"Frankly, I've no idea who this Voldemort is, but judging by your tone, he must not be the most attractive one in the bunch."Mulch put a hand to his heart and tried to put on a pained expression.

"Stop making that face. You look constipated."

"Yeah, right. You're just so blinded by my handsome expression that you need me to stop."

"Um, in your dreams."

"In your dreams about me."

"That made absolutely no sense." Juliet turned to look at him.

"My good looks make no sense." Mulch leaned in towards her, which prompted her to lean in even closer.

"Yeah, the good looks that are nonexistent." At this point, they were practically nose-to-nose.

"Well, Miss, it's not like you're such a beauty queen either," he sneered in her face.

"Compared to you, I am. Seriously, if you're so bent on being attractive, get some tips from me." Juliet flipped her hair nonchalantly.

"Okay, okay," Mulch conceded, "Maybe you are a little bit attractive-"

Juliet blinked (and was that a hint of a blush?) and interrupted him mid-sentence. "I-well- okay, then I suppose you're not that bad-looking yourself-"

"-for a Mud Maid, disgusting species as you are," Mulch finished with a flourish.

There was a pause, before Juliet glowered at him. "Thanks a lot, Smelly. I can see why you're such a rave amongst females." She settled back in her seat with a huff.

Mulch grinned. "Likewise, Stinky."

Juliet shot back up. "Me? A rave amongst _females? _Are you suggesting I'm not straight?"

And so the infuriatingly long taxi ride went on.


	3. The Downfall of Love

**Hi guys. :) This is kind of cheesy. Well, really cheesy. And the characters are kind of OOC. Well, really OOC.** **xD**

* * *

Artemis sat quietly in the back of the ceremony, his eyes never leaving the couple in the front. Or more specifically, the female elf in the front. He didn't care for the male elf next to her. He watched her as she smiled and laughed, watched her as she planted a kiss on her new husband's cheek. Watched as he blushed in pleasure, and watched as the small crowd around them laughed.

The bride had insisted on holding the wedding aboveground, simply because she wanted to breathe fresh air during the ceremony.

He stared at her, her and her glowing beauty. And in that moment, she looked up, and their eyes met from across the room.

_I'm sorry, _her eyes said. Then she tore her gaze away from him and turned back to the crowd.

Artemis stood up, in one fluid movement. With one last longing glance at the bride, he turned and walked slowly through the exit.

* * *

_Artemis realized he loved her during one of her visits. She was laughing, leaning against him as they sat under an oak tree._

_Caught in the moment, he leaned over impulsively and pressed his lips to hers, abruptly stifling her chuckles. He was beyond ecstatic when she responded, encircling his neck with her arms. _

_As they broke apart for air, she asked breathlessly, "So what are we doing after this?"_

_He responded with a genuine smile. "I'm fine with staying right here." A mischievous grin appeared on her face as she leaned forward._

* * *

_They often talked for hours, sitting in his room. She told him about life underground; how Foaly and Mulch were doing, how her work was going. He told her about his projects, his new inventions, his new accomplishments. And a feeling of immense joy always welled up in him when she smiled proudly at him._

_Somehow, one way or another, they always ended up on his bed, limbs tangled together, kisses getting more and more passionate by the second. _

_After she left, he would journey downstairs with a large, goofy smile on his face, prompting questioning glances from Juliet and Butler. _

_"If I didn't know better, I would say he got a girlfriend," Juliet would whisper to Butler loudly. _

_And Artemis's smile would grow even wider. _

* * *

_Her visits began to grow infrequent, and she always seemed withdrawn whenever they met. She no longer laughed as much, and there were long, awkward lulls in their conversations._

_Maybe Artemis didn't realize it yet, but he was beginning to lose her._

* * *

_Finally, Artemis asked her what was wrong. It took a bit of prodding, but he finally got her to open up._

_"People are starting to suspect there's something between us," she said hollowly, staring at the carpet._

_Artemis frowned, not knowing what was wrong with that. "And you don't like that?"_

_She sighed., avoiding his gaze. "There's just a lot of pressure, okay?"_

_Artemis grasped her chin, forcing her to look at him. "Since when did you care about what other people think?"_

_"It's just... hard."_

_"Why are you giving in so easily? Why aren't you trying?"_

_She glared at him. "I _am _trying!"_

_"No, you're not. You're giving up," Artemis said accusingly. She opened her mouth angrily, before closing it again. She lowered her eyes back to the carpet._

* * *

_Her visits became even more sparse, and the meetings they had were filled with angry tears and screamed words._

_"Why do you care so much about what other people think?" he would yell each time. "We love each other, isn't that enough?"_

_"You don't understand!" she would scream back._

_"Then help me understand!" _

_Now, when she left, there was no longer a smile on his face. _

* * *

_Soon, she stopped coming. After he cooled down, he messaged her, asking her to talk it out with him._

_The only reply he got: _Artemis, I don't think I can do this anymore.

_Two years later, he received the wedding invitation._

* * *

Artemis slid into the backseat of his car, signaling for Butler to start driving. He stared at the silhouette of the receding form of the wedding building.

And so that, my dears, is the downfall of love.

* * *

**So yep. Cheesy and OOC. xD Review?**


	4. Happy Birthday, Arty

**Wow I'm updating a lot today. xD Anyways, I wrote this pretty quickly, so I might have made a few convention errors. Sorry. :/**

* * *

"Foaly, I would like to know what exactly this is," Holly said the second the doors to Foaly's lab slid open, holding aloft a small green miniskirt.

"It's a skirt," Foaly said conversationally. "Really, Holly. I know you're not into girly things, but even the most tomboyish girl out there knows what a skirt is."

"Great. Thanks. You can have it back. Or give it to Lili. Whatever makes you happy," Holly tossed the clothing to him.

He looked up at her as the skirt landed on his keyboard. "Oh, no, my dear. You're wearing this today."

"What? No," Holly shook her head vehemently, "I will not be caught dead wearing _that."_

"Really now."

"You can't make me."

"Actually, I can," Foaly smiled in a way that made Holly apprehensive of what was coming next. "Remember last week's bet? The one that you lost?"

Holly paled. "No, please, no."

Foaly grinned. "Well, here you are. Have a nice day." He picked up the skirt gingerly and tossed it back to her. Then he turned back to his keyboard.

"Foaly! You can't do this to me, I-"

"Captain Holly Short. You lost a bet. You pay the consequences. Wear the skirt. Now." Foaly's voice was stern, but Holly could tell he was trying not to smile.

Holly grumbled as she walked dejectedly out of the lab to the bathroom.

* * *

"Well?" Holly muttered as she stood in front of him, arms crossed.

Foaly barely even glanced up. "Well, what?"

"I wore the d'arviting skirt. Are you happy now?"

"Very. Now if you would just stand there, and smile." Foaly pointed to a corner of the lab.

"What?" Holly narrowed her eyes suspiciously. Nevertheless, she moved cautiously to the area.

Foaly paused for a moment. "Nothing. Now you can leave. Go. Shoo. I'm busy."

"But-"

"Shoo!" He waved his arm in the direction of the door. "Out." Holly frowned and strode out the door, trying to pull down the hem of the skirt so that it would cover more skin.

Foaly watched her until she was out of sight, then quickly pulled up the picture he had snapped. She was crossing her arms, which was good, since it pushed up her chest and her face was in a small confused frown. Her legs looked long and lean.

"Good," Foaly said to himself. He opened his email and quickly sent the picture to the only Mud Whelp on his contacts list, glancing around furtively to make sure nobody saw what he just did.

He leaned back, smiling smugly. Mission accomplished. _Happy Birthday, Arty._

* * *

**Hehehe. Review? :)**


	5. What Has the World Come To?

**I don't know what made me write this. ._.**

**To the anon who asked about who was the bride and groom in the wedding (The Downfall of Love): Well, I guess Holly and some random male elf. I didn't want to name anybody specifically, honestly. xD**

* * *

"I would die if we reverted back to the old uniform," Holly said to the girl sitting across from her, "They look disgusting. I don't even know how LEP officers used to work in them." Both women shuddered.

The girl sipped her smoothie. "But honestly I feel like our uniforms right now could still be a little bit more posh."

Holly frowned thoughtfully. "How so?"

"I don't know, maybe just more accessories."

Holly shrugged. "Maybe. But I guess it would depend on whether it would be comfortable to run around in."

The girl nodded. "But there's just such an alarming lack of femininity here. All males. And not very attractive ones at that."

Holly glanced around the cafeteria. "Yeah. You can say that again."

"Well, besides that one guy." The girl leaned in playfully. "Trouble Kelp." She leaned back again, giggling.

"Trouble?" Holly wrinkled her nose.

"He's pretty hot."

"Eh. Not my type." Holly shook her head.

"There are rumors that he's interested in you."

"Maybe. The feeling isn't mutual, unfortunately for him. But frankly, I doubt the rumors."

Somehow, her lunch partner seemed relieved at this revelation. "But you know, I'm not sure what happened to his brother. Grub Kelp?"

Holly snorted. "The guy needs to get laid. Fast." She shook her head, popping a grape into her mouth.

The girl nodded in agreement. "So, how do you like my new nails?"

* * *

Holly exited the cafeteria, strolling back to her office. Suddenly, the enormity of the situation struck her. She wandered into Foaly's lab, eyebrows drawn and eyes closed.

Foaly looked up from his computer. "What is it now? Boy problems?" He shook his head in mock disappointment. "Don't say I didn't warn you. I told you to break it off with the Mud Boy before you two got too serious.

Holly narrowed her eyes at him. "For the last time, I am not in any kind of a romantic relationship with Artemis!" Then she took a deep breath. "It's something worse."

Foaly frowned. "What happened?"

"I- conversation- lunch-"

"You had a conversation during lunch?" Foaly rolled his eyes. "Congratulations on your fantastic achievement."

"No- I had a conversation with someone during lunch..." Holly exhaled.

Foaly stared at her. "Who? About what?"

"About _guys. _And _fashion. _Dear Frond, I can't believe I did this," she buried her face in her hands.

By this time, Foaly was getting a little worried by his friend's distress. And also by the fact that she had just admitted that she had a conversation about feminine topics. "A name, Holly! I need a name!"

She sighed, and pinched the bridge of her nose, exhaling loudly. "_Lili Frond._"

* * *

**Yeah. I don't know. **


	6. Darkness Amplifies Everything

**Mrrp. I'm back. With another mediocre piece of writing. ._. Honestly, I don't know what's wrong. I get this ideas in my head but once I get it on paper, they turn... ehh...**

**._.**

* * *

Darkness amplifies everything. Artemis learned this the hard way while sneaking down the stairs at night, trying to make his journey go unnoticed. Unfortunately, the prospects of this happening seemed dim, the way the steps seemed to creak and groan at the lightest touch.

_Creeeeek. _He winced at the seemingly loud disturbance and froze for a few moments before continuing cautiously, praying fervently that nobody had woken up.

He let out a pent-up sigh of relief as he reached the bottom step, starting to tiptoe his way to the kitchen. As he entered the room, Artemis's hand hovered over the light switch, before he decided to leave the lights off. He stepped lightly over to the cabinet next to the refrigerator, slowly sliding his hand inside the crevice. He felt the object he was looking for and grasped it tightly in his hand. _Now all I have to do is get back upstairs before anybody notices that I was ever gone... _Artemis was about to pull his hand out when suddenly-

"Hi, Arty. Whatcha doin' there?"

Artemis jumped, startled, losing his grip on his item. It clattered noisily to the floor. He groaned slightly at the sound, before turning to the invader. In the dimness of the room, he could barely make out auburn hair, green uniform... "Holly?" he asked incredulously. "What are you doing here? And at this hour?"

She shrugged, getting up from a stool and striding over to flick the light switch on. "I'm fine, seeing as you asked. And what do you think I came here for? I was completing the Ritual and I decided to drop by. Obviously."

"Indeed? And I suppose you would tell me why you're in my kitchen and not in my room?"

Holly shrugged again. "I was hungry. And not for anything that we might ever do in your room, if you catch my drift." She winked at him, causing him to quickly redden. Only now did he notice the bowl of fruit in her hands.

"Ah. I see," he replied awkwardly. Holly made her way back to the stool and sat on it, motioning for him to do the same on the one across from her. She pushed the bowl of fruit towards him, then pulled it back when he shook his head.

"So what were you doing down here?" she asked, popping a grape into her mouth.

"Eh... nothing. The urge to take a nighttime stroll struck me, I suppose..." he responded uncomfortably. _She can't find out, I'll never live it down._

"Really, now? I seem to recall that I heard a rather loud clatter after I scared you," Holly said conversationally, licking juice off her fingers. "Seems to me like you dropped something."

"Nothing. I didn't drop anything. You must have misheard," Artemis swallowed.

Holly tapped her pointed ears. "Elfin ears, remember? I do not _mishear _things. So, Mud Boy-"

"Mud _Man,_" Artemis quickly corrected.

Holly went on like he hadn't said anything. "Mud Boy. What are you hiding?"

"Nothing." Artemis put on his best poker face.

She leaned forward, scrutinizing him. He felt beads of sweat forming at his forehead. _Superb. I manage to sit impassively through illegal business meetings with notorious criminals at 10 years old, but one look from an elf can ruin my __façade__. Fantastic. I'll blame it on puberty._

"You're sweating," she observed.

"Very astute," he returned dryly. He stood up nonchalantly, beginning to amble towards his hiding place. Holly mirrored his movements fluidly, slowly sliding off her stool, sauntering around the counter towards him. Artemis paused for a moment, before he quickly leaned down, swept the object out and clutched it in his hand. He slowly backed away from the elf.

"Artemis, what's in your hand?" Holly asked, frowning.

"Nothing of particular importance. Why don't you put it out of your mind for now and we can come back to it later?"

"I'd rather not." She stopped three feet away from him. She stared at him, making Artemis feel like she was the predator and he was the prey. _Apt, considering the situation. _

Suddenly, Holly leaped out at him. Artemis stumbled back against the wall, accidentally turning the lights off, before racing in the opposite direction.

"Ah, d'arvit," he heard Holly mutter. However, she still had no problem catching him, snatching the object out of his grasp in an embarrassingly short amount of time. Artemis groaned, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to block out the humiliation he was sure would come.

"Artemis..." Holly's voice sounded much louder than usual. As he had thought before, darkness amplifies everything. He tried to shush her, but she continued on in a voice still too loud for his taste. "Is this-"

"Holly, stop. Please. Shush," Artemis begged desperately.

She plowed on, disregarding his pleas. "Is this a _lolli-_"

Artemis groaned before stopping her in the only way he could think of. He quickly planted his mouth on hers, stifling out any noise they might have made. Her eyes widened before she grabbed onto his shirt and pulled him down lower. They stayed in that position for a while, lollipop momentarily forgotten, before someone disrupted them.

"Artemis? Is that you down there?" Butler's voice floated down to them softly. "I heard some crashes. And then some... _sucking _noises, and- ah- I was just wondering if you're alright."

In the darkness, Artemis could make out Holly's horrified expression. _Sucking noises?_, she mouthed incredulously, wrinkling her nose. He shook his head by way of response, rolling his eyes.

"Artemis?" Butler called down. He started to make his way down, heavy footsteps making the staircase groan. In a flash, Holly darted away from Artemis, grabbed the bowl of fruit, strapped on her wings, shoved the lollipop back into Artemis's hand and jumped out the window, flying off into the night sky. _All in less than a minute. Impressive_, Artemis thought, before he realized that Holly had just left him to deal with Butler on his own. He scowled at the thought. _At least..._, he thought, _At least she seemed to have forgotten about the lollipop. _He quickly stowed the candy away into its hiding place and took a seat on a stool, composing himself.

Butler strode in, eyebrows knitted. "Artemis, why are the lights off?" He turned them on. "What were you doing?"

"Ah, good evening, Butler. I was just on my way out," he responded smoothly, evading his bodyguard's questions. Artemis got up nonchalantly, walking fluidly out of the room and up the stairs. His door shut behind him with an audible _snick._

Butler stood there for a moment, before shaking his head, turning off the lights, and making his way back up to his own room.

* * *

The next morning, Artemis woke up to a knock on his door. "Come in," he said groggily.

Butler appeared in his doorway, holding a small package in his hands. "This came for you this morning. There's no return address or anything. I've checked it, and it does not seem to contain anything potentially harmful inside."

Artemis nodded, motioning him to come and give him the box. He opened it cautiously, peering inside. He reached in and drew out a small piece of paper. Butler watched as his face slackened in growing horror. Artemis let the paper flutter to the floor and plopped the package on the floor, groaning. "I'm going back to bed," he mumbled, burying his face in his pillows.

Butler frowned, picking up the paper. _To our beloved Arty, for we know he likes his lollipops. Best wishes from: Mulch, Foaly, and Holly. _He then looked inside the box. Inside was a fruit bowl (one that looked alarmingly similar to the ones that the Fowls owned, for some interesting reason) filled with dozens of lollipops. Butler paused for a moment, gazing at his charge. "Do I want to know what this is about?"

Artemis shoved his face deeper into his pillows, muffling his voice. "No. No, you really don't."


	7. Picture Perfect

**asdfghjkl; I finished The Last Guardian today (FINALLY got the book ._.) and now I'm severely depressed. :( **

* * *

Picture it.

The glowering sun spreads rays of warmth throughout the expansive, neat room. A lithe-looking lady balances gracefully on a three-legged stool. She holds an art palette, bursting with colors, in one hand, and daintily fingers a thin paintbrush in another. A languid smile graces her charming features as she raises her arm and makes a lazy stroke onto the canvas in front of her.

Now take out the cleanliness of the room and the stool. Also all those adjectives that were synonyms of _elegant_. Turn the smile upside-down, and completely disregard the words "lazy stroke."

Wonderful. You now know the general gist of what the scene looked like.

Holly stood impatiently in front of an unpleasant looking canvas, one hand clutching an art palette that was quite literally _bursting _with rather distasteful colors, the other gripping a paint-sprayed paintbrush.

Artemis, being unaccustomed to standing for long periods of time, had taken the three-legged stool. He was the one with the languid smile as he watched Holly's face go from various degrees of frustration. He half-expected her to burst out crying.

The room was a mess, all objects in disarray, which was quite an accomplishment considering Holly had only moved a maximum of three steps in each direction since she had entered the room. How she had managed to disturb objects way beyond her reach, Artemis did not know.

Holly had arrived nearly an hour ago, when Artemis had been painting.

"Hey, Arty," she had called, in an unusually chipper tone.

This had annoyed Artemis a little, as he did not like being disturbed whilst demonstrating his artistic abilities. He had attempted to shush her, telling her that he was busy and that if she wanted to make herself useful, she could go get a glass of water from Butler. "Make sure there's a slice of lemon in there," he instructed carefully, never taking his eyes of the canvas.

For obvious reasons, this had aggravated Holly. She did not show the slightest sign of getting his water as she frowned and crossed her arms. "So I go through all the trouble of paying you a visit, and you disregard it like your painting is more important? It's just a painting, for Frond's sake."

Artemis had finally turned from his art. "_Just _a painting? Holly, this is a complex re-creation of one of Da Vinci's most complicated works. It requires my full attention."

"... You're painting a naked woman."

Artemis had instantly bridled. "This _naked woman, _as you so vulgarly stated,is one of Da Vinci's most accomplished pieces."

Holly had scoffed. "Lovely. I don't care. Even I can draw, it's not that hard."

"Really now?" Artemis had lifted one delicate eyebrow. "Well, go ahead. There's paper and pencils on the desk."

Five minutes later, Holly returned and showed him a crinkled piece of paper.

Artemis's eyes had widened. "What _is _that?"

Holly had looked a little injured. "It's a swear toad."

Artemis had let out an extremely undignified snort, before quickly covering it up with a fake cough. "What's wrong with its eyes? And the arms? And the mouth? It looks like two balls smashed together with random lines sticking out." He had sighed, covering his eyes. "Take it away. It is an abomination to my eyes. You need to learn how to draw. Properly."

So that is how Holly came to be the one standing in front of a chaotic-looking canvas, scowling with hatred at the damned thing.

"This is an absolute waste of time," she growled, slamming down the paintbrush. Artemis winced at the harm inflicted on his property. He made a mental note not to let Holly handle his more delicate contraptions. Holly turned around, glaring. "I'm done with this."

Artemis slid off his stool, strolling over to the disastrous painting. "Maybe if you actually focused on drawing something, you'd get somewhere. I'm certain that you are competent in the artistic department. You just need a little nudge in the right direction." He examined the series of random lines and dots that Holly had made. "Perhaps..." Caught in his train of thought, he absent-mindedly placed his hand over hers, and led her hand into drawing a couple stray lines on the canvas that somehow made the painting look more uniform.

Holly instantly became aware of their proximity. He was standing directly behind her, and could have easily hugged her if he wanted. Their bodies were slightly touching. Her heart began to pound in her chest as she froze, breath catching in her throat. Artemis felt her tense, and abruptly withdrew from his thoughts. He fluidly removed his hand from hers, not seeming very fazed.

"Right," he said smoothly. "That looks a bit better, I suppose."

Holly coughed. "I suppose."

Artemis seemed to not realize Holly's awkwardness as he surveyed the painting again. "You know, Holly. On second thought, you are severely lacking in the artistic department."

"... Shut up, Artemis."

* * *

**Eh. Didn't really like this one. And the ending is kinda choppy, I know that. **

**Opinions, anyone?**


	8. The Dangers of Sarcasm

**OKAY GUYS THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT:**

**So this one-shot was created out of a reference that Artemis made in The Last Guardian. Honestly, I don't count it as a spoiler. It's not like it ruins the ending of the book or the plotline or anything. It's just a little incident Artemis thought of during the book that I decided to turn into a story. It's kinda like... The first chapter of Kitsune Heart's Fowl Shorts; how the story came out of Holly complaining that male elves have too much dried skin on their ears. So frankly, if you haven't read the finale yet, I don't think this will spoil anything. But if you're more comfortable with reading this after you finish the last book, then by all means, go ahead. :) **

**ALSO. ANOTHER IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.**

**I would like to point out that the one-shots in this story are in no particular order. Chapter 3 could have happened after Chapter 7, and 6 before 1, etc. :) I didn't make this clear before, sorry.**

**On with the story. :)**

* * *

Holly stormed into the room in high dungeon, her eyebrows drawn down in a sharp V. "Come on," she muttered, "We're on a tight schedule." Then she turned swiftly and marched through the exit. Artemis and Butler shared a glance before simultaneously getting up and following her out the door.

"So, Holly," Artemis began, his tea sloshing around inside its cup as he moved forward to walk besides his elfin friend.

Immediately, Butler started shaking his head urgently. "_No. Do not,"_he whispered, tugging on his charge's arm.

However, Artemis, who severely lacked expertise in the area of women, plowed on. "Holly, what's wrong?"

Holly abruptly stopped walking and whirled around, causing Butler to almost crash into her. "What's wrong? _What's wrong? _I am having one of the worst days of my d'arviting _life _right now, and you're asking what's wrong?" She took a menacing step towards Artemis, who promptly stumbled backwards. "You _dare _to-" But thankfully, Artemis's certain demise was spared when another elf passed by.

"Hey, Holl- Captain," the elf amended hastily. "Your hair looks pretty today." He smiled as he passed by the trio.

Holly froze mid-sentence. She slowly turned around, just in time to catch a lazy wink thrown over the other elf's shoulder.

Holly bristled. Both Artemis and Butler recognized her expression and slowly backed up a few steps. She crossed her arms. "Are you being _sarcastic _with me?" she called after the elf, her voice deliberately calm.

Artemis briskly pulled up two chairs, motioning for Butler to sit next to him. He sipped on his Earl Gray tea, sensing that drama was about to unfold.

The elf turned around, also. He frowned, thoroughly mystified. "I- what? No, I wasn't. Of course not." He smiled uncertainly.

Holly's eyes flashed as she stalked towards him. "Are you giving me attitude right now, _Private?"_

The smile on the elf's face vanished to be replaced by a scowl. "That's _Corporal_," he growled. Evidently, officers did not like to be de-ranked by their colleagues. He began to stride towards her too.

Butler sighed, running a hand across his face. "Holly," he called, "As you said, we're on a tight schedule. If you could resolve this issue at a later time-"

"No," she answered resolutely. Butler sighed again and leaned back in his chair.

"I was _not _giving you attitude! All I said was that your hair looked pretty today- how is that attitude?" the male elf objected.

"You gave me a _look_," Holly hissed.

"Yes, that look is called a _wink. _And in no way does it give anybody _attitude," _he shot back.

Butler groaned. "This is going to take forever."

Artemis shrugged. "I find it entertaining. If only I had some popcorn..." Then he frowned. "Though I am not particularly fond of popcorn in the first place. I find it an absolutely vulgar food for low-level people." This rant earned him a glare from a passing mother, who glanced meaningfully at the bag of popcorn in her child's hands. Artemis sniffed. "I speak the truth, and only the truth."

Butler raised his eyebrows at him. "That last statement is bullshit, and you know it."

Artemis only smirked in response and turned his attention back to the fighting elves. By the time Artemis and Butler had finished their small exchange, Holly and the elf's voices had risen uncontrollably and they looked dangerously close to blows.

"It was the most disgusting comment I have ever heard, you dimwit!" Holly yelled.

"Well, I'm sorry for finding your hair attractive, you crazy woman!" the elf shouted back. "Though I suppose I know why you became so insane, seeing the people you interact with on a regular basis!" Butler and Artemis glanced at each other, then raised their eyebrows and shrugged.

But that was too much for Holly. She flushed angrily and struck out at him. In the span of less than 5 seconds, she and the elf were having a fist fight in the middle of the hall. They watched amusedly as Holly pummeled the elf, who made feeble attempts at striking back. Soon, the elf was slumped over against the wall like a sack of rocks. Holly aimed one last spinning kick at him ("Oh, that feels good! That's what you get for messing with me!") before strolling towards the humans with a self-satisfied smile on her face. Artemis stared, looking completely astonished.

Butler glanced at his watch. "That was impressive, Captain. Now we have to go." Holly nodded, seeming to be in much better spirits than before. Butler stood up, then tapped Artemis on the shoulder. "Come on." Artemis gave no indication of having heard him and continued staring at Holly.

Holly frowned. "What's wrong with him?"

Butler blinked, then suddenly grinned. "Artemis, as soon as you're done checking Holly out, we have to leave."

Artemis rapidly snapped out of his reverie and stood up hastily, accidentally knocking over his tea. His face reddened. "Ah, Butler, what are you saying?" his attempt at being suave flopping miserably.

"- He was _what?" _Holly looked vaguely pleased, pretending not to have heard Artemis. She turned before an answer was given, and walked perhaps two steps before she froze. When she turned around, her light expression was gone, replaced by a deep frown. Butler's chuckles dissipated as the full force of her glare was unleashed on him. "Wait a minute... Butler," she began, in a tone that suggested that she was greatly displeased. "Are you being... _sarcastic _with me?" Butler opened his mouth, flummoxed.

Artemis sat back down swiftly, steepling his fingers. There was another show coming on.

* * *

_Artemis relinquished control without objection. This was not the time for macho argument. Holly was undeniably ten times the pilot he would ever be, and also several times more macho than he was. Artemis had once seen Holly get into a fistfight with another elf who said her hair looked pretty, because she thought he was being sarcastic, as she was sporting a fresh crew cut on that particular day._

_Holly didn't go on many dates._

_-The Last Guardian, pg. 273_

* * *

**How was it? I'd love some feedback.**


	9. For the Sake of Being Casual

**I didn't like this one. In my opinion, it was slightly choppy. And kinda boring. LOL. Oh well. **

* * *

Artemis Fowl was not happy. This, in itself, was not peculiar. It was the reason that was slightly odd.

He stood in the midst of squalling little kids, arms folded petulantly. Butler stood next to him, looking even more out of place than his suit-clad charge. Both of them stood awkwardly in the crowd. All of a sudden, Beckett zoomed out of nowhere carrying large, sloppily painted signs that read "BAKE SALE" in large letters. He shoved them at Artemis's legs (the only part of Artemis he could really reach) then scampered away with a hurried "Hang up on walls!"

So. What was Artemis doing at a bake sale?

After two hours of intense debate, threatening remarks, and ominous warnings, Artemis finally consented to accompany Beckett to his school's bake sale, parting with a foreboding "Don't blame me if disaster strikes. Keep in mind that both Beckett and I will be there."

Artemis handed the signs over to Butler, who sighed and went away to tape them on the walls.

Beckett scurried back. "Artemis! Beckett needs Artemis to set up cakes." He pointed a pudgy finger at a few tables and the carts full of baked goods next to them.

Artemis sighed miserably and made his way towards the table.

"Hello, dear," a smiling, plump woman said genially. Artemis stared at her impassively. Seeming undeterred, she kept grinning as she pointed to a stack of cookies. "Arrange those, please."

So of course, due to Artemis's eternal bad luck, the moment he touches the cookies, a small second grader slams into him from behind, causing him to stumble into the boxes. They tumbled down from their neat stacks into a mess on the ground. He was instantly ushered out of the way as mothers swept in to clean up the calamity.

By this time, Butler had returned. "Very nicely done," he commented dryly as he surveyed the mess. Artemis scowled and crossed his arms again. "At least Juliet isn't here to see this. Or Holly," Butler tried to reassure him. Juliet suddenly flounced in, knocking over several children on her way. Butler blinked. "Well, never mind."

"Arty!" Juliet called. "Wow, who made that mess? Must have been a klutz." Artemis coughed slightly and Butler stifled a laugh.

"What are you doing here?" Artemis asked coolly, his eyebrows drawn in a sharp V.

"Madame Fowl asked me to remind you to be casual." Juliet decided not to mention the T-shirt she had stashed in her bag. Judging by Artemis's expression, suggesting him to don the garment would just make matters worse.

"I am casual. I am always casual. When am I not casual?" Artemis demanded.

Juliet snorted as she looked at his suit. "Beats me."

Artemis looked around, ignoring her sarcastic tone. "Where'd Beckett go?"

Abruptly, Beckett's voice rang out above the din of the crowd. "ARTEMIS! BECKETT NEEDS TO GO POTTY!" The noise level immediately went down as people tried to locate the source of the shout.

Artemis was horrified. "I'm sorry I asked." What was he supposed to do? Artemis hadn't ever really dealed with potty problems before. Was he supposed to follow Beckett into the stall? Where was the bathroom in the first place? In the end, he pushed Butler towards Beckett. "Go! Go!"

Butler groaned, but walked off to locate Beckett. Juliet looked unperturbed as she looked at the assorted baked goods on the tables. "Wow, that looks good." She wandered over, beckoning for Artemis to follow.

The plump lady immediately noticed him. "Ah, there you are! We need an extra hand. Come, look over the candies. Roll up your sleeves so you can put on these gloves."

Artemis's eyes narrowed as she hurried away. "Roll up my sleeves?" he said indignantly to Juliet. "How absolutely vulgar."

Juliet shrugged. "Who cares? Roll 'em up."

Artemis gingerly folded up his sleeves. "This is my attempt at being casual. Make sure you tell Mother that." He shoved his forearms out at Juliet, meaning to give her proof... and instead, knocked over a passing child.

"Hey!" the little kid yelled. He stumbled forwards crashed into the table. It wobbled a bit before tipping over, setting off a domino reaction in all the other tables. Cakes, cookies, muffins, candies- everything toppled on the ground. Within the span of three seconds, Artemis had managed to ruin the result of three hours of hard work.

The yard was completely silent. Finally, Juliet broke the spell by giving a low whistle and whispering confidingly to Butler (who had appeared just in time for the show), "All in a day's work." She sounded mildly impressed. The others shot dirty looks at Artemis as they bent down to start cleaning up.

Artemis sniffed. "This was completely not my fault. If people hadn't forced me into rolling my sleeves up, this mishap would not have happened." He yanked his sleeves down forcefully. "It was all for the sake of being casual." He stomped off in the direction of the Fowl Bentley.

Butler exhaled loudly as he righted the tables. Beckett looked crestfallen. Juliet shrugged as she bent down to pick up a fallen muffin. As she stared at the squashed food longingly, she sighed, "I should have just forced him to wear the T-shirt."

* * *

_"Now, I know you don't really do casual."_

_"That's hardly fair. Last month at that cake sale I rolled up both sleeves."_

_-The Atlantis Complex_

* * *

**Yeah, reading it over again, it was too fast-paced. And the events seem pretty disjointed. Definitely not happy with this one. **

**Sigh, I'll try to get a better one next time. **

**Review? :)**


	10. Of Touchiness and Pets

**Hi guys. :) There's not much for me to say, so on with the story!  
**

* * *

N°1 proudly held aloft a small, box-like thing covered with a piece of cloth. As he strolled through the LEP headquarters with his stumpy tail waving, other officers tried to peer in, wondering what was in it. _Does it contain evidence for some revolutionary breakthrough? Or maybe a cure to an illness?_they thought.

In all honesty, the truth was much less glamorous than that- which N°1 proved when he pulled off the covering with a flourish in the Ops Booth.

"Ta-Da!" N°1 said proudly.

Holly removed her hands from the back of Foaly's chair and leaned in, frowning. "What exactly is that?"

N°1 frowned, also. "My swear toads, of course! Don't you remember? I told you about them while we were having coffee. Bleep and D'Arvit."

"Oh..." Holly and Foaly said simultaneously. They nodded slowly.

N°1's frown deepened with the lack of positive responses. "Aren't they lovely?" Foaly coughed and ducked his head back down to his computer.

Holly reached over to pat N°1's shoulder, then quickly withdrew when the toads started to bare their teeth and leap up, spewing profanity all the while. "They're absolutely exquisite, N°1."

N°1's expression brightened, satisfied with the compliment to his beloved pets. "Do you have any pets? Bleep and D'Arvit would love some playmates." He patted the toads' cage lovingly, and looked down at his pets.

Holly snorted. "Borrow Artemis any time you want."

Immediately both Foaly and N°1's heads snapped up. "Artemis?" Foaly asked, a sly smile on his face.

N°1 looked flummoxed. "Are you sure you don't mind?" Suddenly, he looked stricken, his eyes widening. "Wait- Artemis is your pet? Does this mean that... you guys have gotten together?'"

Foaly gasped. "Holly!"

"No, it's nothing like that," Holly groaned.

N°1 acted as if he hadn't heard her. "Oh, Holly! I knew it! I always thought you guys would be perfect. I mean, look at all the _chemistry_!"

Holly sighed. "N°1, there is no _chemistry_."

Foaly piped in. "What do you mean, there is no _chemistry_? You guys make the perfect team! And then look at Orion. And that _moment passione_he mentioned."

"Foaly!" Holly exclaimed, horrified. "Shush!"

But it was too late. "A _moment passione_?" N°1 clapped delightedly. "Holly! That is wonderful! See, that proves our point."

"There isn't any point to prove!"

"Holly, my dear," Foaly said, reveling in how agitated his best friend was getting, "Face the facts. We all expected it, so no need to be embarrassed."

N°1 nodded frantically. "But, just so you know, Holly." He leaned in confidingly. "Even if other people disapprove of your relationship with Artemis, Foaly and I will always be your biggest supporters." He bobbed his head again, proud with his heartfelt speech.

Holly slapped her hand to her forehead. "Ugh!" she exclaimed, as she stormed out of the Ops Booth.

Now it was N°1's turn to look agitated. "Oh, no. Was it something I said?"

Foaly shrugged. "It's alright. She gets a little worked up sometimes."

N°1 looked down at his pets. He shoved the box towards Foaly, who leaned back hurriedly. "Should I bring Bleep and D'Arvit over to her? Maybe they could make her feel better."

Foaly looked down at the toads as they began swearing at each other. "You know, N°1. I'm sure she'd appreciate the thought, but maybe we should shelve that idea for later."

"But... she won't stay mad for long, will she?" N°1 inquired worriedly.

Foaly smiled at him cheerily. "Of course not. I told you, she just gets touchy sometimes about her love life."

Holly chose that exact moment to stride back into the room. Her eyes narrowed. "I do not!" She turned on her heels and stomped back out.

Foaly glanced at N°1, then at the door. "Don't mention this to her, but you know what else she gets touchy about?" N°1 shook his head, looking thoroughly mystified.

"Her _pets_."

* * *

_"That is a disturbing idea," said Holly. "If you want to perform some useful amphibian-related magic, why don't you do something about the swear toads?"_

_Swear toads were the result of a college prank during which a group of postgrads had managed to imbue a strain of toads with the power of speech. Bad language only. This had been hilarious for about five minutes, until the toads began multiplying at a ferocious rate and spouting foul epithets at anything that moved, including kindergarten fairies and people's grandmothers._

_No1 laughed softly. "I like swear toads," he said. "I have two at home called Bleep and D'Arvit. They are very rude to me, but I know they don't mean it." The little demon took another slurp of coffee. "So, let's talk about your magic problem, Holly."_

_-The Last Guardian_

* * *

**Hehe. I always thought N°1 would be a fervent supporter of A/H. I don't know why. And the fact that he has swear toads as pets is too cute. xD**

**Review? :)**


	11. Pick Up Lines

**Hi guys :) I'm backkkkk from a weekend of no internet! So, enjoy. **

* * *

"Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?"

"No. Too cheesy."

"It's a good thing I have my library card. Why? Because I'm totally checking you out!"

"She'd punch me if I said that to her."

"Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?"

"Again. Cheesy," Artemis sighed, "Juliet, only a fool would say things like that."

A few days ago, Juliet had finally managed to force Artemis to tell her who he was interested in. She had, of course, blabbered to Butler, and then forced the two men to attend daily hour-long sessions with her while she tried to teach Artemis to flirt. And, needless to say, it was not succeeding as well as she had hoped it would.

Juliet frowned as she started to flip through the book. "Hmm... Oh!" Her face lit up. "If I were a booger, I'd pick you first!"

Artemis stared at her. He first shook his head, saying: "I'm not even going to try to answer that one." Then after a moment's thought, he wrinkled his nose with a condescending: "Booger. What a vulgar subject."

Apparently, Butler shared the sentiment. He glanced up from his book, saying, "Juliet, I'm not sure if any woman would ever want to be compared to a booger."

Juliet waved his proposition off. "Nonsense," she said dismissively, "It's a perfectly lovely line to use. Anyways, you're only against it because of the first time you tried to ask her out and the only thing you could think of to say was 'booger.'"

Artemis reddened. "I have told you many times already; I said 'sugar' because she was eating a lollipop and those nasty things are full of sugar and calories."

Juliet rolled her eyes. "Of course," she drawled as she continued to flip through the book. After a moment's pause, she continued. "But if you don't appreciate the many romantic aspects of a booger, perhaps you'd like this one: My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in!"

Artemis was about to snap back at her when Butler cut in, sighing. "Artemis, why don't you just call her and ask her very casually, without mentioning boogers or sugar, if she'd like to come up to Fowl Manor for the weekend and you could take her sightseeing."

"I still think the booger one was better," Juliet muttered. Both males ignored her.

Artemis considered his proposal. "That's... _marginally_ better." Butler inclined his head towards the communicator on Artemis's finger. Artemis pursed his lips as he considered forcing the spectators to leave. _Ah, well, there's not much more I could be embarrassed about._

Artemis sighed and called her. Holly's face appeared on the screen a few seconds later.

"Hey, Arty!" she said brightly. "What's up?"

Artemis swallowed. "Ah... not much."

Holly frowned a bit. "Oh, I've been meaning to ask you. What did you mean by shrieking 'booger' and then hanging up last time?"

Juliet's eyes immediately widened as she started to mouth, "See? _See?!_"

Artemis shot her a glare before turning back to Holly. "Nothing. That's not important."

Holly narrowed her eyes at him. "Really. Okay. So why did you call me? Something come up?"

From across the room, Butler started to nod frantically. Juliet's eyes widened even further. They leaned forward in anticipation. And of course, that's when Artemis started to blank out. "I-uh- I mean-," he stuttered fruitlessly. Both Butlers sighed and settled back again.

"Are you alright?" Holly asked concernedly.

Artemis's mind started to seize upon random details. Holly's shirt, for example. Which is what prompted his next ludicrously embarrassing statement: "I don't like your shirt. Do you want to take it off?" He barely had enough time to register Holly's extremely shocked and confused expression before he frenziedly terminated the link. He buried his face in his hands, groaning.

Next to him, Juliet began to clap as she shrieked with laughter. "That was _wonderful,_ Arty! Brilliant! Where do you think of this stuff?" She got up, chortling happily, and bounced out the door, probably to revel in his humiliation.

Butler rose also, deciding to leave his charge to wallow in his misery alone. "It's okay," he said calmly to Artemis, "Holly's used to your spontaneous outbursts by now. To her, this'll probably just be an unpleasant memory of Orion." He patted Artemis's arm soothingly.

Artemis groaned again and flopped onto his bed. "That was horrible, Butler. I am extremely disappointed in myself. It did not go according to plan at all."

Butler paused as he thought of something encouraging to say. "Well, if this is any consolation- at least you didn't mention boogers."

* * *

**I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this. HAHA. Well, I hope you like it anyways. Review? xD**


	12. Poppy

**I'm back in the US. And school is starting soon. ._. Sigh. **

* * *

Holly landed down softly on the gravel road leading to Fowl Manor's front doors. She tilted her head up to quickly survey the manor. Normally she would fly directly up to Artemis's window and enter from there, but tonight she seemed to have come too late. All the lights were off, and she decided not to disturb Artemis in his sleep.

_Let him rest_, she thought, looking up at the boy's window, _He probably rarely does, anyways, what with how we're always caught up in one adventure or another._ She smiled ruefully as she prepared to engage her wings and fly back to Haven. Because she had missed this chance, Holly probably wouldn't see Artemis in person for another month or so.

Before she could begin her journey, a small flash of red, illuminated by the bright moonlight, caught her eye. Her curiosity piqued, Holly headed towards the color. She gently brushed aside the bushes that obscured her view to find-

-A small bed of poppies.

She gazed at the beautiful, red flowers as they swayed in the breeze, fond memories of her family resurfacing in her mind. Holly smiled, bending down to trace a soft petal.

"They're poppies. _Papaver somniferum_. Of the genus_ Papaver_," a quiet voice lectured her.

Holly was up in a flash, whirling to face her intruder. She quickly found that she had no cause to be alarmed when she realized that she was staring straight into the contemplating face of Artemis Fowl.

"Artemis," she greeted in hushed tones. She was half-pleased that she had the chance to see him tonight, but half-worried that she had woken him up (though how she could wake him up from more than 100 feet away was a rather perplexing idea).

As if reading her mind, Artemis shook his head. "And no, you did not wake me up. I was still awake."

Holly blinked. "What were you doing with your lights off?"

Artemis shrugged, a small smile forming on his lips. "I find that listening to music in a dim room lit only by moonlight is a peaceful experience."

"Perhaps I should try it someday."

"I recommend it. You're welcome to partake in the activity with me, if you'd like."

"Someday."

They stood in silence, looking at the bed of flowers. "I knew they were poppies, you know," Holly started.

"Oh?" Artemis turned his attention on her. Holly only hummed in response. He looked back at the poppies as he began to speak. "They symbolize sleep, peace, and death. Poppies are often placed on loved ones' graves, and are also used to commemorate fallen soldiers in war."

After a long lull, Holly spoke up. "How did you know I was here?" she asked.

Artemis did not appear surprised from the abrupt change of subject. "Motion sensors. You activated several of them, and I decided that someone walking around the grounds at such a late hour is hardly normal. I took a peek, found you staring at a some flowers, and decided to pay you a visit."

"I disturbed your relaxation."

"Hardly. Spending time with you is a time of relaxation, also."

Holly snorted. "Unless we have crazy pixies after us."

"Well, spending time with you when we're not on one of our escapades," he amended pensively. Holly smiled in agreement. Artemis glanced at her, then the poppies. "So why the fascination with the flowers?"

Holly frowned, smile disappearing. "Nothing, really. I saw a flash of them through the bushes and decided to investigate. They're very beautiful. We don't have them underground, now that I think of it."

Artemis thought for a second before he turned sharply in the direction of the manor. Holly's head snapped up in confusion. He glanced back. "Stay here for a moment." Holly barely had enough time to nod before he disappeared inside.

Left on her own again, Holly let her thoughts wander. She memorized the contours of the flowers, committing the image to memory. After all, they weren't found underground. _Unfortunately. _

"Here," Artemis disrupted her thoughts yet again. He shoved in her hands a small packet of seeds and a small clay pot. Dropping down to his knees, he took out a small shovel. Before Holly could stop him, he dug out several of the flowers.

"Oh!" Holly exclaimed, distressed.

"Shush," Artemis stood up and grabbed the pot from her, depositing the flowers inside. He leaned down to shovel up some dirt, patting it inside comfortably. When he finished, he held it out to Holly. "They're yours."

Holly looked uncertain about taking the gifts. "But now your bed of flowers is ruined. And also, I must warn you that I do not have much of a green thumb."

"That's why I gave you more seeds."

Holly pursed her lips before reaching out for the pot. "Thank you."

Artemis inclined his head slightly. "Do you want to take me up on the offer for the music?"

Holly frowned thoughtfully, scrutinizing her poppies. "Next time, definitely. Tonight... I think I should pay some people a visit."

* * *

Back at home, Holly stood in front of a small cabinet. She opened it slowly, gazing at the picture of her smiling parents.

She placed the potted flowers inside, along with the seeds. For a minute, Holly stood there, surveying the cabinet.

Suddenly she smiled. She felt a little ridiculous speaking to inanimate objects, but she opened her mouth anyways.

"From Poppy."

* * *

Nobody likes a whiner._ Her father had always said that._

_ She could see him now, spending every free minute in his precious garden, feeding algae to his tubers under the sim-sunlight._

You have to do your share of the housework, Poppy. Your mother and I work long hours to keep this family going._ He would stop then and stroke her chin. _The Berserkers made the ultimate sacrifice for the People long ago. Nobody's asking you to go that far, but you could do your chores with a smile on your pretty face._ He would stiffen then, playing at sergeant major. _So hop to it, Soldier Poppy. Nobody likes a whiner.

_ Holly caught sight of her reflection in the windshield. Her eyes brimmed with melancholy. Daughters had always carried the nickname Poppy in her family. No one could remember why._

_-The Last Guardian_

* * *

**Ah... I loved Holly's recollections of her father in The Last Guardian. Frankly, I wished there were more. I'm hoping that in the short stories Colfer promised us, he'll write about her family. Hopefully. :) **

**Review?**


	13. Men

Holly Short glowered at the zucchini sitting innocently in front of her.

"_Men_," she hissed, positively frying the poor vegetable with her venomous glare.

Recently, it had seemed like all the males in her life had unanimously decided to make things as hard as they could for her. From ignored calls (three guesses who that was) to overloaded paperwork (take another three guesses, if you will), they were absolutely driving her crazy.

Let's start with the first and foremost: Artemis Fowl.

One day they had been perfectly buddy-buddy. You know, sitting in his study, chatting amiably like any other good friends would do. In Juliet's words, they seemed to be "not far away from giggling like teenage girls." Holly interpreted that as their relationship was sailing smoothly.

Or at least that's what she thought.

The day after, Holly had called Artemis. He picked up after the third ring, which was highly unusual. Usually he picked up immediately, eager to hear from her. He was grumpy and a scowl was fixed upon his face. He gave her terse, one-word answers and hung up as soon as he could.

_Well then_, Holly had thought afterwards, rolling her eyes, _Pubescent mood swings._

She called him again the next day and he didn't even bother to pick up. That alone was enough to set Holly in such a bad mood that she was provoked by the simplest comment.

If that wasn't enough, Trouble had decided that he would call in sick that very same day. Which, of course, would all have been fine if he had not carefully instructed for his paperwork load to be dumped on Holly.

Holly had a mental list of all the things she hates in her life and, unfortunately, paperwork ranked pretty high up there.

And when she called Trouble to yell at him, he didn't even sound the least bit sick. In fact, he sounded smug.

_Smug._

The absolute nerve of some people.

So her temper was fraying visibly, and Foaly just had to trot in wearing a smirk. Holly was immediately suspicious. She double-checked her list of Common Pranks that Foaly Likes To Pull.

No skirt randomly appearing out of nowhere. _Check._

No unusual activity in her email account. _Check._

No international catastrophe. _Check._

"Yes, what?" she snapped, "I'm busy. Make it quick."

"Ah, Captain," Foaly drawled, nibbling at a carrot stick. "Why the the _short_ temper this lovely morn?" Then he slapped his knee, giggling at his lame joke. He took another large bite of his carrot.

Holly rolled her eyes. "Very funny, centaur. Judging by your unsuccessful attempt at humor, you've evidently been spending too much time with Mulch. Do you have anything specifically important to say or are you here just to bother me?"

Foaly pretended he was wounded. "Well, judging by your unneeded use of extremely long words and complicated sentence structure, you've been spending too much time with that Mud Boy. Really, Holly. Why would I do anything of the sort?"

"Well, I don't know," Holly said sourly, "Maybe because it's one of your favorite hobbies?" She did not need to be reminded of Artemis at the moment.

"Oh, Captain," Foaly sighed melodramatically, "You give me too less credit." Then he started to babble on about his newest invention and How is dear little Arty doing? and this and that and just being a nuisance in general, with all of it punctuated by his loud chewing.

Yep. He was just here to bother her.

Just when she thought he was finally going to leave her in peace, N°1 pranced into her cubicle. Which, unfortunately, gave Foaly a reason to stay.

"Oh, N°1! What a lovely surprise," Foaly said excitedly. "Care for a carrot stick?"

"Wonderful!" N°1 said, smiling. He started to reach his furry little arm into the carton when Foaly suddenly snatched it back.

"N°1, I asked that out of courtesy. You're supposed to decline politely," he said, frowning.

N°1 looked perplexed. "But if you weren't going to give me one, then why'd you ask? I think common courtesy dictates that if you offer someone something, you must readily give it up if they consent."

"Well, _I_ believe that common courtesy dictates that-" Foaly began to counter.

Holly interrupted them. "Right. That's great. I appreciate that you two have agreed to grace me with your fantastic presences while you argue about inconsequential things, but I think common courtesy dictates that people should be left alone when they are busy."

"Oh, Holly!" N°1 exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "One quick thing then Foaly and I will take our argument elsewhere." Holly grudgingly nodded.

"Have you thought about what I said last time about you and Artemis? Because, really, I've thought about it all week, and I still think the chemistry is astounding. I'm sure Foaly here agrees!"

"Wholeheartedly!" Foaly chimed in.

Holly covered her face with a hand, using the other to wave the intruders in the direction of her door. "As much as I'm flattered that I've been on your thoughts this whole week, that is completely unnecessary. Just leave, please."

N°1 sighed. "She's still in denial," he whispered loudly. Foaly nodded, before clapping the imp on the shoulder.

"Come now, little one. Let us journey away and return when the fair maiden's mood is as beautiful as her face," Foaly tried to mimic Orion.

Holly growled menacingly, hurrying them on their way.

She worked for a few more minutes before her communicator buzzed. She fervently hoped it was Artemis.

But, as Holly seemed to have the worst luck, it was Trouble.

"Yes?" she asked tiredly, wary that nothing good would come out of this call.

After a heated argument, a few d'arvits, and many dour glares, Holly got saddled with even more paperwork.

And Artemis _still_ wasn't answering her calls.

Holly stabbed at her zucchini.

_Ugh._

_Men._

* * *

**...This did not turn out as well as I hoped it would. xD It reminds me too much of those crack fics in which everybody drinks beer and gets crazy and confesses undying love for each other, regardless of gender. That's slightly alarming. **

**Sigh. School's starting soon. In less than a week. **

**Review?**


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